Leave his Charter of Rights alone
The Leader-Post, Regina, Ron Petrie, January 29, 2004
Tomorrow the Supreme Court rules on whether spanking
violates the Charter of Rights. So far none of the lawyers
quoted in the news stories has specified exactly whose
charter. Here's mine:
THE DAD CHARTER OF RIGHTS
Preamble
Two score years ago, or thereabouts, our four fathers --
mine, Murray's, Garth's and Wayne's -- along with all the
other dads of all the other fellows we knew, reserved the
right to threaten disciplinary action in the form of the
spank, the tanning, the smack-bottom -- call it what you
will.
Same deal for us. What goes around, comes around.
Ramble
What? You think we're kidding here? That this is some big
joke? We're warning you. Do not make us preamble again. We
have preambled and preambled. You straighten up right this
instant and stop constitutionally challenging our authority
or we'll give you something to be REALLY constitutionally
challenged about. And don't think we won't, either.
Section 1: All mischief by a child or children shall cease
immediately, no words spoken, with the following dad
gesture: right hand held open and aloft, in the fashion of
Queen Elizabeth II's wave to her assembled subjects, except
instead of eyes exuding regal warmth and charm: Twin Laser
Beams of Doom.
Section 2: Section 1 shall be the first and last warning.
Section 3: Repeat Section 2 every three to six minutes until
peace and order is restored or the child's mother
intervenes.
Section 4: Notwithstanding sections 1-3, in the event that
the desired discipline is not achieved; that the naughty
version of the Barney theme continues to be scream-sung over
and over and over; that, try as the kids might, none of them
can recall exactly who inserted the raisin in the cat's left
nostril; that dad's best necktie remains in service as a
Tonka tow rope -- when all else fails, that's it, buddy-boy,
or li'l miss missy-miss, as the case may be. We're talking a
situation constitutionally applicable to:
Section 5: Spanking shall be one wide swipe, with full back
swing and follow-through, outward and downward, in the
general direction of the target bum, fingertips whipping by
just wide. A Section 5 spanking shall always miss, on
account of the seemingly impossible acrobatic stunt that is
a preschooler's arching of the pelvis forward while
simultaneously racing from the room as a blur. Dad could be
the 1988 Seoul Olympics gold medallist in table tennis.
Doesn't matter. He'll miss.
Section 6: It shall have been hilarious like nobody's
business in 1967 to have dodged the air-thrashing end of a
spank threat while in the backseat of the family's Chev
Impala, one's own dad driving. Such shan't be so funny
nowadays, however, since the advent of one's own fatherhood
and the mini-van.
Section 7 : No publication containing advice on modern
parental discipline shall be worth a rat's-toot. Most
useless of all shall be the new common wisdom that no
spanking should be threatened while either the dad or the
child, the potential spanker or spankee, is angry,
frustrated or annoyed, and that all spanking should wait
until both sides are calm, relaxed and capable of rational
discussion. And just exactly when the heck is that supposed
to be? Twenty-five years from now? On a boat, on some
father-son fishing getaway up north? What, the old beggar is
supposed to figure that, hey, finally, all is swell, the
time is ripe, and then, serenity of Wollaston Lake be
damned, to stand up, waddle forward and take repeated swipes
just short of his 32-year-old accountant son's butt end. The
kid would sign the papers to have the sorry old geezer
committed. "Hey, dad. Turns out you were right. That DID
hurt you a lot more than it hurt me."
Section 8: These are the truths we dads hold to be
self-evident. Believe us, the Supreme Court of Canada shall
wish it was never appointed the Supreme Court of Canada if
tomorrow it makes us drop what we're doing and come all the
way over there to Ottawa.
- Ron Petrie writes Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
Contact him at
rpetrie@leaderpost.canwest.com
Copyright 2004 The Leader-Post (Regina)
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